I dipped my toe into the pool of commercial radio the other night, and it came up shining and stinking like rotten mackerel by moonlight, with apologies to John Randolph.

The 'Hour of Power', which is Kyle Sandilands' show on the radio, is just abhorrent.  And when I say abhorrent, I mean that the show is filled with the sort of rambling arrogance and misguided sense of importance that you'd expect to find in a drug-addled child soldier in Sierra Leone. 

We won't deal with Jackie O here, other than to say that if you lie down with dogs, you're going to get up with fleas.

So as I subconciously over-revved the car and fantasised about running over the goatee-sporting yutz, I thought a top 5 relating to Australia's most shameful public secret might be in order.

Top 5 Things To Throw At Kyle Sandilands

5 – His Resume

There’s no point starting off with the big ticket items. This is more to make a point, you see. He’s unlikely to sustain anything worse than a papercut, and he’d probably avoid even that since you could write it on the corner of a napkin and still have room to blow your nose.  Molly Meldrum has referred to Sandilands as 'fat', 'talentless' and 'arrogant', which seems like a succinct effort at capturing his personality.

4 – A Solid Last Meal

I’m thinking something he’d actually like, like a Whopper burger with a shake. Or maybe 7 McHappy meals.  Something splatty that he'd need to pick up with his hands - a DEGRADING type of last meal, if you get my drift.  Is it wrong that the idea of him bawling and wiping the last bits of fried onion and sauce from around his mouth is something that I love?  Probably.

3 – A Posse

Now, this is going to be a hard one, but I figure if we get Tim Rogers, Jay from Frenzal Rhomb, Dave Hughes and anyone else in Australia who has ever seen Sandilands on television or has heard him on the radio, then it should be of a reasonable size.

2 – The World (Not to scale)

Like item #5, this is to make a point. And by Christ, it’s going to hurt. There’s a lot of it, when you think about it. I’ll do the polite thing here and not make the very obvious joke about planetary sized bodies colliding. Instead, we can focus on his obnoxious manners, pseudo-protective behavior of his platinum offsider and professional poodle-sporter, Jackie O and, finally, his total and utter lack of anything which skates up to the edge of conceivably being referred to as ‘talent’.

1 – His Wife (pictured with ice-pack)

I’m sure she’s a lovely lady who’s just desperately short on judgment, but mistakes are made by many in life, and I’d like to see her answer for hers.  And the insult in this one is palpable - we've already thrown the whole planet at him, NOW WE'RE RETRIEVING THE WIFE FOR EXTRA AMMUNITION.  Genius, I'm sure you'll agree.