In life, they say that the only true certainties are death and taxes.  In celebrity death, there are two more: a soaring tribute from a couple of underemployed balladeers, and a fawning biopic which is 110 minutes of positivity.

The movie of the life of Michael Jackson WILL be made.  There is no doubt that it's being discussed already in Hollywood.  Speculation is rife worldwide with who will be involved in the movie, with some punters backing Steven Seagal to land the lead role.  Others, idiots mostly, have suggested Macauley Culkin, Tom Cruise, and even Australia's own Ernie Dingo.  Here are our suggestions for a singing and dancing lead in 'Michael!'.

5. Liza Minelli

Perhaps a little past her prime, but with plenty of showtime experience, Minelli is a strong chance to pick up this part.  Wardrobe and makeup would be stretched to their limit getting her ready each day, but fortunately they don't get to vote on casting.  Her dancing in 'Chicago' shows that she's got potential, and a knock-out voice (not to mention the gams!) make her a short-price favourite.

4. Oprah Winfrey

Not noted for her ability to do anything other than motivate the unthinking masses, Winfrey is said to be quietly interested in the role.  As a personal friend of MJ's she has an interest in seeing him portrayed fairly, and there's no doubt that she could do justice to his unique dancing style.  Imagine her in the carpark in a remake of the 'Bad' film clip.  See?  It could work!

3. Diana Ross

Now, this one would be a bit weird, if only because she would have to play opposite an actress playing herself for part of the movie.  No actor is going to enjoy that.  Expect a day of emotional highs and lows when they come to shooting 'The Way You Make Me Feel'.  Still, she's motown and they sing in the same register, so what's the problem?

 2. Montgomery Mini Mall Man

Clearly, to take on the role of Jacko you need to have singing and dancing expertise.  The man could move, after all, and there's a reason that Peter Garret isn't going to play him.  The MMMM has it all, as the above video will demonstrate.  And do you think it's an accident that his clothes match the furniture?  That's the X factor people - that's what's going to make this movie WORK.

1. Willem Dafoe

Strange looking?  Check.  Slightly creepy?  Check.  Not quite 'babysitter' material?  Check.  Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.